ICW: The Ministry of Silly Headlocks

"Sports Entertainment is a disease, ICW is the cure."

Billy Kirkwood

ICW returned to the City Nightclub, Edinburgh, for the penultimate show of their festival run. As usual, Mark Dallas' company provided a unique blend of comedy, debauchery and professional wrestling in what was their best festival show to date; Red Lightning, ICW General Manager, continued to shape the company in his corrupt image, The GZRS made an immediate impression to the ICW faithful with a hilarious match against fan favourites, IRN JEW, the N.A.K sought to resurrect their aura of indestructibility against Legion in a preview of their impending steel cage match at Fear and Loathing VIII and a beautiful, or reprehensible, plan ensured Lionheart picked up his first win in ICW since returning from a life threatening injury to leave the crowd both betrayed and infuriated. 

The show began, though, with a man who has dwelt in the shadows of ICW for a long time.

Davey Boy vs Chris Renfrew

Since his former ally and friend, Stevie Boy, joined the N.A.K a few months ago, Davey Boy has been forced to walk alone. Chastened by his former brother's treachery, Davey Boy has ditched the happy go lucky attitude in favour of a more aggressive, no nonsense, approach to his matches. Accompanied by Wee Man, Davey Boy is the first to the ring. His opponent, Chris Renfrew, holder of the Square Go briefcase, is next to emerge from the curtain. As part of the N.A.K., Renfrew and co fought the Bucky Boys up and down the country; now, Stevie Boy stands shoulder to shoulder with his former enemy, Renfrew. Stevie Boy disappears as quickly as he arrived before Renfrew spits on the Wee Man as he enters the ring. 

Immediately as the bell rings, Davey Boy takes the fight to Renfrew with a double leg take down before driving multiple clubbing blows into the face of Renfrew. Renfrew rolls to the outside but Davey Boy doesn't allow him to dictate the pace of the match- Davey Boy connects with a tope suicida followed by a dropkick to the outside. Davey Boy attempts a second tope suicida but connects this time Chris Renfrew's briefcase- the second in two weeks, this is why Renfrew shouldn't have nice things. Renfrew, sadistically, rolls back into the ring before beginning the systematic dismantling of Davey Boy. Renfrew looks for the T Virus piledriver but Davey Boy reverses into a big back body drop before connecting with a diving clothesline from the top rope. Davey Boy, sensing his opportunity to earn a huge victory over a key member of the N.A.K., lines up the spear but Renfrew reverses into a stunner- Davey Boy kicks out at 2. Renfrew slaps Davey Boy to his feet- Davey Boy raises a defiant middle finger to Renfrew, who sends Davey Boy crashing to the mat again with a vicious lariat- Davey Boy kicks out at 1! Spurred on by the capacity crowd, Davey Boy connects with a spear before lifting Renfrew onto his shoulders- Renfrew reverses, attempts a T Virus but is reversed into a spine buster by Davey Boy. Looking to send a message to Stevie Boy, Davey sets up a Glasgow Destroyer- Renfrew reverses into an Alabama slam. 

Before Renfrew can make the cover, a video of Mikey Whiplash appears on screen to distract Renfrew. The distraction by Whiplash grants Davey Boy time to recover- Davey Boy takes advantage with the F5/Stunner combination Billy Kirkwood appropriately named "The Kill List". Davey Boy begins the long process of exorcising his demons here with a victory over an N.A.K. member partly responsible for Stevie Boy turning his back on the Bucky Boys. This was a really fast paced match to start the show- Davey Boy's new found aggression is refreshing and this was one of his finest performances in singles action to date. 

Winner: Davey Boy

Lionheart vs Kenny Williams

Lionheart made his third ICW appearance since recovering from not only a career but a life threatening neck injury. Since his return, Lionheart has lost all his matches. At ICW: The Ministry of Silly Headlocks, Lionheart faces a man he has met previously. Weighing in at 1.121 gigawatts, the bollocks, Kenny Williams, makes his way to the ring hoping to regain some momentum after losing the Zero G Championship a couple of months ago. 

As the bell rings, both competitors demonstrate their excellent chemistry with a series of reversals. Kenny Williams sends Lionheart to the outside before missing with a tope suicida, crashing into the barricade head first. Lionheart rolls Williams back in the ring and delivers a series of chops in the corner before connecting with a helluva kick- Lionheart loses his balance as Kenny Williams drives his knees into the back of Lionheart's neck. 

Then, silence.

All was still.

Not one person made a sound as medical assistants poured out from behind the curtain to observe Lionheart, who lay motionless on the mat. Red Lightning, putting his corrupt authoritarian persona aside, emerged from behind the curtain to help a friend. Kenny Williams sat inconsolable in the corner before Lionheart sprung to his feet, delivering a superkick to the distraught Williams to pick up the victory as ferocious boos echo around Edinburgh-his first victory in ICW since returning from injury. 

Wow. Many found Lionheart feigning an aggravation of a previous neck injury to be incredibly distasteful but it certainly got a reaction. Undeniably, wrestling is at its best when the lines between fiction and reality are distorted sufficiently enough for total suspension of disbelief; Lionheart made everyone believe  in order to pick up the victory over Kenny Williams. You can debate the ethical principles of such an action but the fact remains it achieved its purpose; not one person didn't feel a betrayed and subsequently booed Lionheart out the building. This is a really exciting development for one of Britain's finest.

Winner: Lionheart

Dickie Divers vs Trent Seven 

Disinterested, dismissive and apathetic, Dickie Divers makes his way to the ring looking like he wishes he could be anywhere but here. Since being defeated by Chris Refrew for the Square Go Briefcase at Shug's Hoose Party II, Dickie Divers has undergone a remarkable transformation; last week, Divers didn't even put up a fight against Damo. This week, Divers faces a man making his debut in Edinburgh, Trent Seven. 

As the bell rings, Divers just stands in the corner not willing to even engage Seven. Trent Seven, with a beard to make even the most conceited hipster blush, encourages the disinterested Divers to at at least try. Seven attempts to grapple Divers but Divers remains disinterested as he half heartedly locks up- Seven breaks the hold almost immediately. Chants of "always look on the bright side of life" reverberate around the City Nightclub as Trent Severn beseeches Divers to engage in a competitive match. Divers lays down and offers Trent the opportunity to pick up the win- ever the consummate professional, Seven decides against turning the match into a farce. Instead, Seven pulls Divers to his feet and delivers a series of devastating chops in the corner before going for the attempted googly. Finally, Divers shows some signs of interest as he moves out of the way before the googly can connect- Divers delivers multiple shots to the stomach followed by a german suplex. Divers continues the assault with numerous stomps to the head of Seven before connecting with an unenthusiastic rolling senton- Seven dodges the attempt and unloads with several forearms strikes which Divers laughs off. 

Trent Seven delivers 13 stiff chops in the corner before successfully connecting with the googly this time. Seven attempts a suplex to the outside but the attempt is blocked by Divers- Divers delivers a neck breaker with the assistance of the ropes. Divers continues the assault with a bulldog on the apron- Divers, impassive, looks for the unprettier but Seven catches him with a spinning heel kick. Seven drives home the advantage with a dragon suplex before connecting with a devastating spinning piledriver to pick up the victory. 

The competitive spirit has not been completely drained from Divers but his struggles continue. A backstage segment later in the show saw a tentative agreement between Divers and Toal; Toal will now be Divers' manager.

Winner: Trent Seven

IRN JEW vs The GZRS

The team of Sebastian and Tom Irvine,  or The GZRS as they prefer to be known, have been making quite a name for themselves as of late. Consistently hilarious performances in Progress, PCW and IPW have helped The GZRS quickly gain a reputation as a must see act in professional wrestling. Tonight, they meet the international dream team of Colt Cabana and Grado, IRN JEW, in a dream match up for fans of comedy wrestling. 

The GZRS arrive to the ring first; Sebastian in his faux Real Madrid kit, Tom Irvine in his trunks, both with a can of beer in their hand, make their way to the ring for their ICW debut. Next, IRN JEW make their way to the ring, matching jackets and all, to a huge ovation before American indie wrestling icon Colt Cabana chases Grado around the ring with a towel. Tom Irvine grabs the mic whilst Grado catches his breath. Before the match has chance to get under way, Tom Irvine challenges IRN JEW for their number one contendership- Colt Cabana agrees. As the match gets under way, Grado, much to the annoyance of Colt Cabana, tries to get a sip of Sebastian's beer. Cabana tries to stop Grado but evidently underestimated the Scotsman's need for alcoholic refreshment.

It is Irvine and Cabana that get things under way whilst Grado and Sebastian share a couple of beers in the corner. Confusion ensues as Grado tags Tom Irvine to enter the match- Grado and Colt Cabana square off in the centre of the ring- but what's this... Grado points the finger at Colt Cabana who goes crashing down to the mat. Grado hits the finger poke of doom! Tom Irvine sneaks in to try and pin Cabana but Grado pulls him off before connecting with a devastating belly bump as chants of belly echo around the arena. Grado, driving home the advantage, connects with a sunset flip whilst concurrently pulling down the trunks of Diamond Geezer, Tom Irvine, before driving him shoulder first into the ring post after a short bdsm session with IRN JEW. Sebastian rushes into save his fellow GEEZR- Grado reverses with a drop toe hold as Sebastian precariously hangs mere centimetres away from Irvine's marmite motorway before Cabana pushes his face into Irvine's back passage. 

Colt Cabana, distracted by Grado's antics, receives an arm wrench by Sebastian- Cabana demonstrates his technical acumen with an impressive roll up before Grado informs Cabana he has a new move. Cabana, curious as everyone in the building, tags in Grado. In one of the more impressive sights in wrestling, Grado performs a cartwheel into a head scissor take down that sends Sebastian reeling to the outside. Aided by Colt Cabana, Grado heads up to the top rope, perhaps looking for the best moonsault ever- Irvine spots the attempt before delivering a hugely traumatic thumb up the bum! Sebastian joins in the debauchery as a drop toe hold positions Grado in-between the second and top rope- Sebastian delivers a ferocious kick to the ass to ensure Grado will not be sitting down any time soon.

Tom Irvine returns to a tactic that has brought The GZRS a lot of success in the match- once again, Irvine attempts the thumb up the bum but this time Grado reverses by sending Irvine's thumb into his mouth. Grado, after severe punishment to the ass, tags in Cabana who connects with the flying ass on Sebastian before Sebastian reverses with an S.T.O. Irvine heads up to the top rope before delivering a head butt to the groin of Cabana a la Dudley Boys. The two GZRS stand facing each other in the ring- they know what time it is. Sebastian calls for the slip n slide! 

Professional wrestling has seen it all; an immortal necromancer that works as an undertaker, a midget confused about his species orientation, an insensitive portrayal of the mentally handicapped, hell that doesn't even begin to cover Big Dick Johnson. Never before have I seen a slip n side. 

The GZRS attempt to send Colt Cabana down the slip n slide and crashing into the ring post but Sebastian slips in the process resulting in him being sent down the treacherous slip n slide. Cabana and Grado send Irvine crashing head first into the nether regions of Sebastian who must be lamenting the decision to bring the slip n slide out. Grado connects with the Roll n Slice before Sebastian attempts to get to his feet but keeps slipping over- Cabana picks him up to deliver the Get Tae Bed/Wee Boot combination to pick up the win and remain number one contenders to Polo Promotions ICW Tag Team Championship.

Lou King Sharpe returns

Lou King Sharpe rushed out to the ring before security began to swarm around him. The only man in history for getting fired for being a 'dick', Sharpe lays into various members of the security team before Saqib Ali runs in to help his friend. Toal, manager of Saqib Ali, orders both men to stop before reminding Lou King Sharpe he was fired for being a dick to ICW General manager, Red Lightning, on Twitter. However, Toal informs the audience and Sharpe, he has found a loophole in the ICW rules & regulations- being a dick on social media does not contravene the company hand book. 

Toal proceeds to rehire Lou King Sharpe as Sharpe and Ali celebrate in the ring.

Legion vs the N.A.K.

In a preview of their impending steel cage match at the SECC, the first in ICW history, Legion, comprised of Mikey Whiplash, Michael Dante and Tommy End, took on the N.A.K., comprised of Wolfgang, BT Gunn and Stevie Boy. Over the past few weeks, tensions between these two teams has further increased as it appears there is only room for one of these factions in ICW.

After having their aura of indestructibility penetrated by Legion a couple of weeks ago, the N.A.K arrive first. Two weeks ago, Legion emphatically dismantled the N.A.K before performing a crucifixion of Wolfgang. This week, the N.A.K look to re-establish themselves as the dominant faction of ICW. Legion arrive. Each member of Legion has their face painted in the style of Mikey Whiplash to demonstrate the brotherhood and unity between these three men. It isn't long before an arena wide brawl ensues; Michael Dante dismantles the ringside barriers as Tommy End and Stevie Boy brawl near the bar. Mikey Whiplash and BT Gunn brawl ringside. This isn't a wrestling match. This is a fight as BT Gunn begins to bleed from above his left eyebrow. The N.A.K regain some control-in the loosest sense of the word- as Wolfgang, after sending Whiplash crashing head first into a wall, comes to the aid of Gunn. The N.A.K's momentum doesn't last long as Michael Dante powerbombs Stevie Boy into the mass of bodies. Barely a second passes before all the men return to their feet such is the hatred. It is the N.A.K who emerge victorious from his particular brawl as the cut off Mikey Whiplash in the ring. As ever, the N.A.K use the numbers game to their advantage as BT Gunn strangles his long term rival with an N.A.K t shirt. The N.A.K control the ring ensuring neither End nor Dante can come to the assistance of Whiplash. Somehow, Whiplash manages to send the N.A.K to the outside before connecting with three consecutive virgin suicide dives to the outside!

Legion, now with the momentum, roll BT Gunn back into the ring- End, after going for a cover, moves out the way as Wolfgang's moonsault comes crashing down on his team mate. Tommy End connects with a jumping knee to send Wolfgang to the outside. A three way powerslam by Legion is followed up by a shining wizard by Mikey Whiplash followed by a running senton by Dante followed by a double foot stomp by End. Before any member of Legion has the chance to make the cover, Stevie Boy and Wolfgang pull Tommy End and Michael Dante to the outside to once again cut off Mikey Whiplash in the ring. Gunn and Stevie Boy connect with a double superkick before Wolfgang delivers a devastating pop up powerbomb. Stevie Boy lands a moonsault before Tommy End breaks up the count- after trading blows with one of the best strikers in the world, Stevie Boy lands the Devil's Halo...1...2....End kicks out. Whiplash, returning to his feet, delivers a lariat to take out Stevie Boy- Whiplash and Wolfgang face off in the ring before Wolfgang pokes Whiplash in the eye. Attempted moonsault missed by Wolfgang- Michael Dante, now back in the foray, drivers a half and half suplex before meeting a huge lariat by BT Gunn. Tommy End grounds BT Gunn with a jumping knee before Stevie Boy connects with a superkick on End- Whiplash sends Stevie Boy crashing to the mat with a spinning uppercut before Wolfgang delivers a devastating pop up powerslam. Michael Dante connects with the spear as all men are down.

A "this is awesome" chant breaks out as the six men clamber to their feet before a six man brawl breaks out once again. End, Dante, Stevie Boy and Wolfgang brawl on the outside whilst  Mikey Whiplash and BT Gunn continue their personal vendetta in the ring. Whiplash and Gunn trade fierce forearm strikes before Whiplash lifts Gunn up for the Zombie Maker- meanwhile, Wolfgang grabs the brass knuckles but before he has a chance to connect with Whiplash Dante pulls him to the outside- but the distraction is enough for Chris Renfrew, now in the centre of the action despite not being featured in the match, to connect with a stunner. Gunn makes the cover and the N.A.K are victorious. 

End and Dante, though, aren't finished yet as they continue the fight despite the bell. However, it isn't long until the numbers catch up with End and Dante as the N.A.K re-assert themselves as the most dominant faction in ICW with a devastating display. This isn't just one of the hottest rivalries in ICW, tt is one of the hottest rivalries in the world of professional wrestling today.

Sammi Jayne (w/ Nikki Storm) vs Layla Rose

An eight way elimination tournament will determine who is the first ever ICW Women's Champion to be crowned at Fear and Loathing VIII. Last week, Nikki Storm defeated Debbie Sharpe to advance to the semi finals where she will meet the winner of Sammi Jayne vs Layla Rose. Sammi Jayne, protege of Nikki Storm and self proclaimed "second best in the universe", faces the undefeated Barbie Breaker, Layla Rose. 

Sammi Jayne gets things under way with a cheap shot before the two trade forearms blows in the centre of the ring. A basement dropkick grounds Layla Rose as Jayne proceeds to smash Rose's face on the mat. Rose rolls to the outside before Sammi Jayne connects with a tope suicida- Jayne, surprisingly dictating the pace of the match, rolls Rose back into the ring before attempting an unsuccessful senton. Layla Rose, taking advantage of Jayne's mistake, delivers a clothesline followed by a snap suplex- Jayne kicks out at 2. Rose connects with a fall away slam before missing a clothesline attempt- Jayne takes advantage with another basement dropkick that takes Rose's legs from underneath her. Jayne attempts another lariat but is reversed- Rose lands a german suplex-kick out at 2. Nikki Storm temporarily distracts Layla Rose allowing her protege time to recover- Sammi Jayne connects with a fierce enziguri before celebrating a la Storm in the ring. Much to the disapproval of Storm, Layla Rose recovers to deliver the Barbie breaker to a distracted Sammi Jayne to pick up the victory. Layla Rose advances to the semi finals and remains a strong favourite to be crowned ICW's first ever Women's Champion. 

After the match, the self proclaimed best in the universe, Nikki Storm, gives the second best in the universe a dressing down in the ring. For a moment, it looks as though Sammi Jayne is going to attack her mentor but she decides against it as the pair leave together.

Winner: Layla Rose

Noam Dar vs Red Lightning

One of the men from the rebel alliance, Noam Dar, made his way to the ring with a fantastic opportunity to inflict retribution on a man who has consistently attempted to hold him down over the past year. But before he could enter the ring, Sha Samuels and Jack Jester blindsided the Jew-di master to begin the vicious two on one assault. Now in the ring, Samuels strangled Dar with his scarf before Jack Jester delivers a devastating tombstone piledriver. Red Lightning deems now an appropriate time to emerge from behind the curtain. Red Lightning, after asking the ref to ring the bell, covers Noam Dar to pick up the victory before celebrating in the ring.

Red Lightning, Jack Jester and Sha Samuels take up their position next to the commentators to observe a match they have a vested interest in. 

Winner: Red Lightning

Joe Coffey vs Drew Galloway

Last week, ICW's Ironman, Joe Coffey, cut the most passionate promo of his young career. After almost retiring, Coffey successfully convinced Red Lightning to give him a match with the ICW World Heavyweight Champion, Drew Galloway. At Shug's Hoose Party II, Galloway unthinkably joined Red Lightning and Jack Jester to form one of the most dangerous alliances in professional wrestling.

Joe Coffey is the first to arrive. No paint covers the torso of Joe Coffey as he heads to the ring all business. After an introduction by Red Lightning, Drew Galloway makes his way to the ring accompanied by resounding boos. Galloway's battle with the fans continue as he asks them to annunciate if they are going to chant at him. As the bell rings, Galloway decides he isn't ready to start the match yet and heads outside the ring. When he finally returns, Coffey emerges the victor from their first exchange as Drew scrambles to the ropes to break a crossface by Coffey. As Drew returns to his feet, Coffey attempts a shoulder block take down but the champion remains unmoved- this time, Coffey connects with a diving cross body to ground Drew. The ICW World Heavyweight Champion heads to the corner to regain his composure before Coffey connects with two hogbusters followed by a bulldog- kick out at 2. Firmly in control, Coffey delivers a series of chops in the corner underscored by chants of "Fuck TNA". 

Coffey grabs a mic before  proceeding to call Galloway a paper champion. Galloway, perhaps taking a page out of Red Lightning's play book, connects with a low blow before delivering a savage lariat that sends Coffey to the outside.

At this stage, a fan struck the champion before being chucked out the building. The fewer word said about this dickhead the better.

Now back in the ring, Galloway delivers multiple chops in the corner to Joe Coffey's exposed chest. An attempted Tombstone by Galloway is reversed by Coffey- a double leg take down grounds Galloway as Coffey attempts to lock in the Boston Crab but Coffey can't roll over the mass of Galloway. Alternatively, Coffey takes Galloway on a swing before a slingshot into the turnbuckle makes the champ's eyes roll to the back of his head. Coffey looks to press home the advantage with a hogbuster but Galloway has it scouted and connects with a dropkick. Unwisely, Galloway slaps Coffey to his feet- the slaps to the face only appear to anger Coffey. Coffey, now on his feet, irish whips Galloway into the turnbuckle- Coffey connects with the hogbuster before an attempted bulldog is reversed, Galloway rushes wildly towards Coffey who connects with a searing powerslam. 

Coffey doesn't have time to attempt a cover as Sha Samuels stands on the ring apron- a devastating forearm blow sends Samuels to the floor but the distraction was successful as Galloway delivers a northern lights suplex followed by a german in the corner. Sensing his opportunity to put one of his fiercest rivals to bed, Galloway lands the Tombstone piledriver...1...2... Coffey kicks out! The fans in attendance chant the Ironman beat to encourage Coffey to his feet. Galloway looks for the Future Shock ddt but Coffey reverses before connecting with a huge uppercut that sends the 6 ft 5', 260 pound ICW World Heavyweight Champion crashing to the mat. Coffey summons what little strength he has remaining to land a bridging dead lift german supex...1....2.. Red Lightning enters the ring before the ref has chance to count to three- Galloway takes advantage of the distraction. Galloway looks to end the match with a Tombstone- Coffey reverses and pushes Galloway in the direction of Red Lightning before stopping an imminent collision. Coffey lines up a Discuss Lariat but Galloway ducks out the way- instead, Coffey connects with Red Lightning. 

Galloway and Coffey, both on their feet, trade ferocious blows in the centre of the ring before Galloway emerges on top- Galloway lifts Coffey up to the top rope but, somehow, Coffey fends him off before connecting with a missile dropkick. Coffey lines up a Discuss Lariat for the champion but Jack Jester this time distracts the Ironman. Drew Galloway takes advantage of the distraction once again- this time Galloway puts what must be the final nail in Coffey's coffin with the Future Shock ddt...1...2.... Coffey kicks out! Once more, somehow, Joe Coffey, using the ropes for assistance, climbs to his feet. Galloway and Coffey trade blows before Joe Coffey connects with a discuss lariat...1...2... But before referee, Thomas Kearns, can make the count Red Lightning demands the match to be thrown out due to the multitude of shenanigans transpiring in the match. Jester and Samuels begin the beat down in the corner of the ring whilst Red Lightning mocks the broken Coffey. Drew Galloway gets involved, delivering multiple stomps before lifting Coffey up for the Future Shock ddt. Spontaneously, Red Lightning decides he would like a match against Joe Coffey before forcing the referee to ring the bell.

Red Lighting vs Joe Coffey 

Red Lightning immediately covers Joe Coffey to end the night 2-0 having defeated both Dar and Coffey.

Winner: Red Lightning

A video of Damo interrupts the festivities that temporarily distracts Red Lightning, Galloway, Jester and Samuels as Damo sneaks up behind them, chair in hand. Damo smashes the steel chair in the face of Jack Jester as Red Lightning and his cronies retreat backstage to close the show.