SummerSlam 2015
Oh, boy, NJPW really spoiled this one. Coming live from Brooklyn, NYC, it is the most 'epic' SummerSlam in the history of history. Due to excessive levels of epicness, for the first time in history, the biggest party of the summer will run for four hours in a show that features the resurrection of the undead deadman, a nose more discussed than the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, a bromance that appears to have run its course and a romance that is enough to make even the most ardent romantic feel nauseous.
WWE has pulled out all the stops to bill the 28th annual SummerSlam as the biggest in the company's history. Will SummerSlam live up to the immense hype of WWE's marketing machine? That remains to be seen. But for now, here is my preview of the biggest biggest event of the summer.
Sheamus vs Randy Orton
Straight from bottom of the barrel, with more side headlocks than fans paying attention it is Randy Orton vs Sheamus. Again. In a rivalry no one realised they wanted to see continue, Mr Money in the Bank, Sheamus, faces Randy Orton for what seems like the 4647252 time. Sheamus will be looking to exact his revenge after Orton denied the Celtic Warrior the opportunity to cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase on RAW a couple of weeks back.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of both Sheamus and Randy Orton but the continuation of this rivalry does neither man any favours. So many opportunities lay wasted whilst this rivalry chugs along in second gear with no end in sight. Why has Orton, who was nowhere to be seen when Sheamus unhooked the case, taken umbrage with Sheamus? It was Neville who Sheamus unceremoniously dispatched before unhooking the case. A Neville/Sheamus rivalry would have surely been more logical but logic, like wrestling, is a dirty word around WWE.
Sure, these two will probably have a solid match but I really feel Sheamus and Orton need to move on from this rivalry in order to inject a new lease of life into their currently stale characters. A return to hoss Sheamus tossing smaller men around (Ziggler in particular), please.
Hopefully a stipulation is attached to this match before SummerSlam starts to save the match from heading towards Groundhog Day territory- maybe a street fight, maybe Sheamus' case will be on the line or maybe even a Kiss me Arse match. Just something... anything to distinguish this match from the previous ones they have had.
Prediction: Sheamus
Rusev (w/ Hot Summer) vs Dolph Ziggler (w/ Lana)
The hypocritical fallacy that is the diva's "revolution" will once again be exposed by Lana who will play the damsel in distress in this despicable morality play. This is a perfect example of WWE's retrospectively rewriting their own history to suit current story lines. Twelve months ago, Lana instructed Rusev when to crush his opponents even encouraging Rusev to adopt her home country of Russia. Now, WWE has rewritten Lana's narrative so she is the object of sympathy in her, allegedly, tortuous relationship with Rusev. What was one of the few powerful, strong female characters in WWE is now a doughy eyed sap every time Dog sorry Dolph Ziggler looks at her. After receiving the kayfabe injury to film WWE's latest straight to the bargain bucket DVD, Ziggler returned last Monday on RAW to a thunderous ovation to make the run in and save his damsel in distress.
During his absence, Ziggler kayfabed his twitter account by sending various emetic tweets to Lana who returned the favour with her own stomach turning responses. If this feud is supposed to make me dislike Ziggler, it is certainly succeeding; at this stage, there is nothing more I want to see than Rusev superkicking that shit eating grin off Ziggler's face back to Hollywood.
Since finishing with Lana, Rusev has taken up with Summer Rae. Inevitably, this rivalry appears to be heading in the direction of a mixed gender tag match at Night of Champions in September. Rusev deserves the victory here purely based on the fact that he has consistently turned this shit into gold (see Rusev's gifts to Hot Summer , Rusev throws a fish at Lana).
Without the women present, this has the potential to be one of the matches of the night. However, the women will be a major part of this match.Women, can't love 'em, can't crush 'em, ammirite Rusev?
Prediction: Rusev
King Barrett & Stardust vs Neville & Stephen Amell
I'm not even going to pretend I know who or what a StephenAmellGreenArrow is or even begin to try and comprehend why he is scheduled in a wrestling match at SummerSlam. That being said, a couple of weeks ago on RAW, Amell navigated the ropes with the expertise of a ten year veteran. Sure, the match will be constructed around Amell's limited wrestling ability to ensure he spends as little time as possible in the ring. Much of the in ring duties, I imagine, will be performed by Neville. As of late, random title match with Rollins aside, Neville has been languishing in the black hole that is WWE's mid-card. This match provides Neville with the opportunity to impress a casual audience. In this comic book world of heroes and villains, Neville will be a hero in possession of a flippyshit super power to combat the villains.
The villains, on the other hand, well they are not doing so well at the moment. Well, one of them isn't.
Has anyone received worse booking since winning King of the Ring than King Barrett? First, the interminable feud with R Truth consigned to the pre-show now this thinly veiled attempted to appeal to the greater populace. Barrett really must have pissed someone off as he has been doing more jobs than a Polish immigrant. It is a damn shame, too. Barrett is in possession of all the attributes required to take him to the top but WWE seem to have placed him in the midcard 4 life club with Ziggler, Swagger and a man he will be teaming up with.
WWE achieved new levels of meta a couple of weeks ago with Stardust, Barrett's partner and instigator of the feud, when Michael Cole spoke extensively on how Stardust can not distinguish between Stephen Amell the actor and Green Arrow the fictional character before drawing the parallel with Stardust, who can't distinguish that he is Cody Rhodes and not the fictional character Stardust. Stardust's quest for identity could be one of the more highbrow angles WWE has ran for a while. If handled correctly, there is big potential for a Cody Rhodes face return after all this.
Prediction: Neville & Amell
For the WWE Tag Team Championships
Wow. I don't even know where to start with this one. At this stage, the WWE Tag Team Titles have as much value as a victory over Zack Ryder on Superstars.
Teams such as reDRagon, The Young Bucks, RPG Vice, The Addiction, Sumerian Death Squad, The Hunter Brothers and the Wolves have revitalised the concept of tag team wrestling over the past few years with fun, entertaining matches. Don't expect anything like that here, though. The New Day are sooooooooo far ahead of anyone else in the division it is unfair to put all these teams in the ring together as it only serves to highlight the incompetence of the other teams:
Lucha Dragons: haven't said a word apart from "Lucha" since arriving on the roster (unsure whether they can speak at all never mind speak English)
Los Matadores: laughing stock of the division since 2013, don't say anything apart from "ole" (again, unsure if they have a deaf mute gimmick)
Prime Time Players: Titus O' Neill is the Danny Welbeck of professional wrestling- every time he gets in the ring, he looks as though he will fuck up. Darren Young is okay, I guess.
New Day: the Paul Heyman of the division.
The Wyatt Family vs Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose
Some night clubs water down their alcohol. WWE water down their rivalries. In The Wyatt Family vs Shield redux, Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper team up to face Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose- who are best friends, in fact like brothers if you missed it. After Wyatt reconciled with Luke Harper at Battleground, Roman recruited the help of long time friend and part time cheer leader, Dean Ambrose, to over come The Wyatt Family because apparently one versus all isn't a thing any more.
Since reuniting with Luke Harper, Bray Wyatt has quietly gone about his business. I say this every week but the fans are ready to get behind The Wyatt Family; it is an exciting concept that could carry WWE in a fascinating direction. Thus far, The Wyatt Family haven't had the requisite support from creative to help them reach the next level. But that will come with time, beginning here.
Unfortunately for the ever noble Roman, I think that Dean Ambrose, Roman's brother and only friend wink wink, will do the dirty on him at SummerSlam to finally dissolve the Shield once and for all. WWE's penchant for pegging 6 ft 4'+, 270 pound athletes as underdogs will continue here as the odds will be firmly stacked against Roman in the coming months. Additionally, Dean Ambrose turning his back on Roman gives credence to The Wyatt Family mystique and psychological warfare they so often indulge in. Although Reigns turning his back on his brother would make more sense and re-legitimise the Wyatt's as a psychological threat, WWE is intent on Roman being the next top babyface and I don't expect that to change any time soon.
Prediction: The Wyatt Family
PCB vs Team B.A.D. vs Team Bella
Many fans have suggested this match is scheduled in order to protect Nikki Bella's title thus ensuring she will beat AJ Lee's longest ever reign with the Diva's title. I, too, agree with the theory as with each week that passes the Diva's Revolution is shown to be a distraction, albeit a poor one, from the fact Nikki will pass AJ's longest reign a week before Night of Champions.
At SummerSlam, we have the three diva's factions face off; Pakistan Cricket Board face Team Ethnic and Team Confused Motivations in an elimination tag match because apparently women like to hang around in groups for no particular reason. Seriously, why are these teams together? They share no common purpose, goals or motivations other than the fact Stephanie arbitrarily grouped them all together.
Anyway, it is what it is and Paige, Charlotte, Becky Lynch team up to face the teams of Sasha Banks, Tamina, Naomi and Nikki, Brie and Alicia Fox. Hopefully this match begins the dissolution of these "factions" thus giving the women a platform to showcase their skills on an individual basis and increase competition for Nikki's title. This probably wont be the case as a couple of weeks ago rumours surfaced that WWE was planning on introducing a Diva's Tag Team Championship. Clearly, someone backstage believes the endless stream of bullshit propaganda spewing from Michael Cole's mouth.
The "Diva's Revolution" is nothing more than savvy branding and a marketing slogan. If you need evidence of this statement, listen to what Jerry "The King" Lawler has to say about the match.
Winner: PCB
Ryback (C) vs The Miz vs Big Show
For the Intercontinental Championship
Sometimes I forget who he Intercontinental Champion is before realising that it is not important anyway. True story: I had to ask Google just exactly who the Intercontinental Champion is. The answer, apparently, is Ryback whose championship reign has been less than memorable.
But, the people seem to like Ryback for some reason as he returned to a good reaction as the camera panned to various fully grown men in the audience wearing Ryback shirts- a fact that is astounding in itself. Ryback's injury has significantly halted his momentum after winning the title at Elimination Chamber (again, I had to Google that). The Big Guy makes his first Intercontinental Championship defence The Miz and Big Show in what seems like an active attempt by WWE to encourage viewers to change the channel.
People often talk of their dream matches in wrestling that never happened; The Undertaker vs Sting, The Rock vs Shawn Michaels, CM Punk vs Stone Cold Steve Austin but this is a nightmare match that is happening. I would be hard pressed to pick three wrestlers I would rather see in a match less than these three. I hope this match receives the ol' diva's division treatment- a two minute match conveniently placed in the middle of the show to coincide with my bladder.
Prediction: Ryback
Kevin Owens vs Cesaro
After a barrage of fat jokes over the past few weeks, Kevin Owens heads into the SummerSlam weekend with arguably the two most anticipated matches. On Saturday, Owens invokes his rematch clause for the NXT Championship in a ladder match against Finn Balor. On Sunday, Owens meets another man who has been on a role as of late, the Swiss Superman Cesaro.
In spite of some questionable booking and underhanded comments regarding Owen's weight, this match has the potential, if given ample time, combined with the Brooklyn crowd, to be match of the night and possibly even a match of the year contender. Unfortunately, this match should be for the US Championship- instead, Cena will pointlessly be defending the title in a match that will, in all likelihood, end in a no contest.
Minor quibbles aside, this is the match that i'm looking forward to most on the card. Given enough time, these two, as evidenced by their previous matches in the indies, will tear the house down in a match that will showcase both men's ability and help get them both over in the long run.
This is a tough one to call but I believe Cesaro will pick up the victory in what is hopefully the first match of an extended rivalry.
Prediction: Cesaro
John Cena (US Champ) vs Seth Rollins (WWE WHC)
Winner Takes Both Championships
Over the past few weeks, in big match John's absence, WWE have pushed his broken nose harder than the exceptionally low price of the network. Of course, who could forget, it was Seth Rollins, the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, that delivered the infamous strike that i have seen more times than Randy Orton vs Sheamus and goddamn i have seen that match a lot. The following week, Rollins emerged wearing one of the more creative parodies of John Cena's t shirts.
Enough preamble. This match has serious potential to be a match of the year contender. As previously demonstrated, Seth Rollins and John Cena have excellent chemistry together and have proven in the past that they are capable of putting on high quality matches. However, my opinion of this match, and I'm sure many others will echo similar sentiments, will be determined by the result. WWE consider that being in the ring with John Cena raises the profile of who ever his opponent may be. There are certain exceptions, mainly CM Punk and Daniel Bryan, but as a general rule, Cena has dispatched many of his opponents back into the midcard after defeating them.
John Cena really has an opportunity to inject impetuous into Rollins' WWE World Heavyweight Championship which, quite frankly, has been a mere after thought over the past couple of months. John Cena can achieve this with an excellent match followed by him taking the loss. Clean, dirty, whatever, it doesn't matter. Sure, Rollins doesn't need the US Title as well as the WWE World Heavyweight Championship but a John Cena victory sends a resounding message to talent; no matter how well you perform, no matter the reaction you solicit from the crowd, no matter how much you improve you are not immune to Mr Make a Wish coming to steal your thunder.
No one gets the divisive reaction like Cena- as Cena pointed out on RAW, the crowd chants "lets go Cena/Cena sucks"- nothing to do with Rollins. Being in a high profile feud with Cena does elevate his opponent but losing to Cena and then floundering in the midcard does not. For the first time in Rollins' WWE World Heavyweight Championship run I am doubting Rollins will walk out as champion. I guess that is a good thing.
However, my faith in WWE has not completely dissipated despite the constant flow of bullshit and dissatisfaction. I can't see Cena being victorious here. In fact, I can't see anyone being victorious here and leaving with both the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and the US Championship. Rollins has been far too good to just get LOLCENAWINS'd and I don't think he will be.
Prediction: No Contest/Double Pin/Everything remains the same
Brock Lesnar vs The Undertaker
You know you're in trouble when Heyman can't sell you on a match when the guy could sell you a holiday to Tunisia.
Admittedly, WWE is not always about the wrestling. Sometimes, the spectacle and the story triumphs over athletic feats or mat wrestling. But what if the story tells of an embittered 50 something year old man constantly blindisding the sympathetic would be champion with low blows because he can't beat him fair and square?
Despite the years and years of entertainment, memories and thrills the Undertaker has provided this match should not be happening. Either Lesnar loses his mystique or Undertaker does and it must be Undertaker considering his age.
As with any match, there are three options.
- Lesnar defeats Undertaker- What was the point of Undertaker returning?
- Undertaker defeats Lesnar- What was the point of Lesnar defeating the streak? In fact, what would be the point of the last 15 months?
- The match ends in a no contest- What was the point of any of this? Please, not another bullshit ending to avoid Lesnar losing or beating anyone. Surely they can't keep using Lesnar this way.
All three options are less than appealing and no amount of Paul Heyman's genius, brawls across the arena, smoke and mirrors will change that. The concept of this rematch being "too big for WrestleMania" is astounding and only confirms that if you lock WWE creative in a room they won't produce the works of Shakespeare but instead this type of non-statement that concurrently undermines the biggest event in wrestling as well as diminishing the importance of WrestleMania 30.
What route WWE goes remains to be seen but either Brock Lesnar conquered the streak for nothing or Undertaker started something he couldn't finish to borrow a line from Morrissey. This match seems to be a desperate attempt to attract former fans to a currently stale product- this match was headlining PPV's in 2002!
As painful as it is to say, Brock Lesnar must retire Undertaker by not only defeating him but brutally victimising him. Will this happen? I think that that outcome is the least likely of three. I feel like Undertaker gets the win here before things finish where the legacy of Undertaker began, WrestleMania.
Prediction: Undertaker
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